For various reasons the last week or so has been a hectic one. So last week went a little something like this....

Vuokkos brother visited us from Eindhoven. He cycled from Eindhoven to Harwich and then to Wivenhoe where he picked up a puncture and walked the last mile or so. Some would call that sods law. Most of the weekend we cycled around Colchester, Wivenhoe, Clacton and Walton. For me this was brilliant: an active cycling weekend! I was cycling around with Vuokkos brothers bike which was a 'tour-de-france-racer-type-bike. I have never really liked or understood these bikes but I must admit that it won me over and I would not say that I may never buy one in the future. Surprisingly there was quite a lot going on in Colchester and so we had quite an eventful few days. I just wish I had the pictures which of course would speak louder than words.


On Tuesday I visited my old town Basildon. Mostly because I have ranted on about Basildon ever since I met Vuokko and it has to a certain degree become a phenomenon. Our friend Matt (also a former Basildonian) drove us there and the town didnt let us down. We had a little walk through the Eastgate and town (which seems to have been in constant refurbishment since 1957) and then drove to my parents old house where I spent most of my childhood. Id really like to say that the trip moved me in some profound way which is what I thought it would but the truth is that I became completely dejected and annoyed. I wont say that wasted my youth in Basildon but I will say that I have no feelings for the place. In some weird way the trip to my old house made me feel that my teenage years never existed, that i am so different now as to what I was then that I can no longer relate to the past. I have always had mixed feelings about Basildon, 'do i/dont i like it'...'was it that bad?' But the brutal truth is that it was. The town is lifeless and empty, lacking any form of culture, spirit or artistic influence in any way. These thoughts were finalised when I visited my Nans old house that seems to enter almost all of my dreams lately. Nan lived on the edge of a large housing estate in Pitsea and I more or less spent my childhood there playing with my sister until she died. Again Id like to say that this was a good experience, that I can finally lay the past to rest and maybe stop dreaming about that house but the truth is that I felt nothing. Of course I could see myself as a little boy running around the green, playing football, climbing over the gate. I could see my sister there, even my parents and uncle. I could even still see my nan at the gate telling kids off for kicking the ball at her wall. But still I felt nothing. Not a thing. The only feeling I could manage to bring up was a mild mixture of annoyance and slight happiness. Almost the same feeling you have when you hand in an essay. Or when something is so annoying you begin to laugh.


Again im not going to say that my childhood was terrible, it was probably quite standard. I just wish that my trip would have ended something. I wanted it to end with a 'oh well...I can move on now'. It just left me feeling detached from it all. It felt like those years never existed, of course they did exist and i know they exist when Im writing this now, but when I was there at my nans house or at my parents I felt the opposite to what i wanted to feel. I felt emotionless.




My Parents House

'Going down Bas....'

Nans Old House


Ive been thinking about the trip since then and I still feel the same. Maybe I feel a lot happier, and Im glad I went but still Im not feeling as much as what I imagined I would. I guess im happy where I am now and that who I am now I am more comfortable with.



On wednesday we went to visit my nan and grandad in Haverhill. It was nice as usual, and they took a few of our boxes off of us which was a relief. We then went to Cambridge which made a striking contrast to Basildon.

Today was only good news. This morning I went to the squares on campus to watch the graduation action which I have to look forward to next year. The sun was shining and everyone looked happy as they graduated. There is a fair few international students at Essex which meant that there were all kinds of native dress from African to Chinese. The campus (for a change) looked beautiful and felt warm. After this I went to see the admin people in the Law department who told me that they had finally gained contact with my elusive supervisor to be who said he would supervise me for the PhD. This now means I have a good chance to obtain some funding for the 3 years. At around two I set off for my last day at work. It sounds silly but I never really like to leave a work place, of course not because of the nature of the work but because of the people. Some of the people there i trained with for weeks and has resulted in good friendships. I also received some wonderful Chinese 'poetry' from one of my friends who said that for her coming to work would be like eating an iced doughnut without the icing.

I have now just got back from work and read an email from my supervisor who has confirmed his supervision. I did a little robotic victory dance in my pants and now i cant concentrate on anything.

Its 5am and I havent had much sleep. Most of the night I have been dreaming, most of which have been quite surreal. I usually have no problem at all sleeping but i know its the amount of pressure i have been under. The first dream is a reoccurring one: Im at my nans old house in Pitsea where I spent quite a lot of my childhood. I know this house very well, but its quite dark and I become lost. I start to panic but then realise where I am, as I reach out for the light switch Its not where I expect it should be. I fumble around trying to trace the switch up and down the wall but I just cant find it. Then I woke up. Usually In this dream I am lost or just walking around my nans house, sometimes its how it used to be when I was a little boy, all the furniture, pictures on the wall, and other times its empty, bare, which is how i last remember this house when she died. But what always happens in the dream is that I meet my nan on the stairs and shes smiling. Whereas in this one I dont recover, nor see my nan and i just wake up.

The second dream I had was one ive never had before. Im in the middle of Helsinki with my dad and its snowing. He starts to say things like 'oh its like Russia' and 'those Russians ruin everything'. I try to explain to my dad that you cant say this, its like saying Scotland is like England or England is just like America. Finnish people would find this really insultive, they have had many wars with the Russians, and yes at times they have been under occupation but for nearly 100 years they have had Independence and are proud of it. etc. He doesnt understand this, so we go to a pub and have a drink. I go to order two drinks, knowing what to say in Finnish but the words dont come out and so I panic and leave.

Last night I had the classic zombie dream, but it was one of those dreams that continue throughout the night. I dont know what these dreams mean as im no Freud expert. I dont think I want to really know what they mean as either as I think they are too obvious to me.

The good news is that Im awake for the day and maybe I'll get some of this bloody dissertation done.

Mustn't Grumble

Today I have been struggling with my dissertation which I had more or less abandoned last week. I can only go so far when trying to concentrate on one idea or theory so I tend to go off the rails - like tonight I have ended up listening to Jarvis Cocker and drawing pictures. I know that the only way forward is to just keep reading and writing but I feel at the moment all the reading I have done is like a big vegetable soup in my head with bits and pieces potato and carrot floating about all over the place. Its really difficult to try to concentrate on one idea and I know from past experience with law essays that its best to nail one idea and then move on but with this dissertation its completely different-it just seems that its all a big mess.

Apart from that I havent been able to think about much else. I am still waiting for a reply from Kent and Essex but I should hear by the end of this week. Today was a new record in which i received not one email all day, although I have an hour left until midnight I am pretty certain that no one will email me back. This sounds pathetic that I worry about such small things but not receiving emails has really started to affect me. I think I have sent out about 15-20 important emails out in the last week and I have received maybe 2 back.

This isn't the most entertaining blog update but I think it somewhat reflects my worries and problems in life right now.

My birthday surprise was a surprise. Yesterday I had my first ever full body massage! I did not know what my gift was until we walked into the sports centre. At first I didn't want to go and walked off which was obviously a selfish thing to do but I guess it was a mixture of shock and surprise. After 5 minutes or so I pulled myself together and went in, filled a health and safety sheet in and had my massage. It was brilliant! I have always suffered from a bad neck and the person carrying out the massage pushed and pulled all my muscles into place. One of the reasons why I hesitated to go in was that having a massage is both 'gay' and 'erotic' but I can definitely say that it is neither of the above. I can only liken it to a trip to the hairdressers where both parties make brief conversation and a service is given to the customer. I guess that my initial hesitation was due to my working class background ethos that being pampered is for poofter woofters. But balls to that. If I had the money I would go every week.

The gift was not just a pampering experience but also a realisation that the body is a finely tuned instrument that requires attention and maintenance. As I lay on the massage table I began to think about how little exercise or stretching i do and Its little wonder how my back gets so stressed. The room was also littered with health posters and body maps explaining why certain parts of the body react in certain ways. Bright red ears-too much red meat/smoking, stomach cramps-poor diet, bad back and joints-lack of vitamins etc. These are all of course familiar problems and there is an epidemic in this country due to a cocktail of poor diet and no exercise but what struck me as i lay there was that I do bugger all. Even though (purely due to my genes) I am slim and relatively healthy looking (the masseuse probably had the same trouble that a hairdresser has when cutting the hair of a practically bald person), my insides are a mess. So the long and short of it all is that I should learn to take care.


After my massage we went to town which was per usual full of chavs whos only aim in life is to shout out 'C***' as they drive past in their Renault Clios. We went to the What? bar in town. Which was nice.





'Fe' Guevara..ooh tough guy!

I dont usually do much on birthdays so I was chuffed to have a 'mystery ride' to Harwich town. Vuokko and Felix arranged a little breakfast and so we had Croissants and orange juice as we watched boats go in and out of the harbour. After that we threw stones in the sea, and drove to Clacton to have saveloy and chips! Classy! No, the truth is that this was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long while, usually I am working or skint. It was nice to spend time with good people and for the first time in a long time the sun was shining.

Now we are about to go to the pub and probably eat something. Tomorrow i have yet another surprise which I am really looking forward to.

Yep! Here we go again, im going to write an update on the injustices of being a student, sorry postgraduate student (yes im a snob) in the UK. Today i have been looking at funding for my PhD and theres is absolutely nothing available for the average PG Student. One of my friends who recently applied for a hardship grant was told that the only way he would be able to obtain one was if he was earning over £12,000. I dont even want to go into why that annoys me. During my undergraduate years money was thrown at me left right and centre, with the student loans, hardship funds and overdrafts. So im now shocked to find that there is nothing, absolutely nothing out there for postgraduates.

I remember reading the headlines of a local newspaper last year that compared the 'luxurious' campus accommodation at Essex with the terrible army barracks that exist a few miles down the road (insert two pictures: one of the newly built quays with a stylish Italian student drinking a latte-mocha-choca-chino-winno, smiling into the camera and a squaddies shared accommodation with a turd on the floor...oh and the headline 'Students Luxurious Accommodation Whilst Our Boys Live In Shite'). What struck me the most was that this is just not true, you can come marvel at the 14 room flats in the towers here at Essex any time you like but more ironically, surely with well educated people there is no need for an army let alone shit accommodation to house them in. Im not going to say im a neo hippie pacifist but a diplomatic response to war is far better than sending the boys in who will eventually kill thousands and cause more pollution than 10,000 live earth gigs. But the main point here is that millions are pumped into defence when the truth is it should be put elsewhere: education.

Yesterday me and Vuokko took a trip to London as she was due to meet her future boss which was an all round success. I had time to myself to walk around St Pauls, cross the Thames and visit the embankment whilst Vuokko had a nice lunch with her future boss. It wasn't the best day weather-wise but we met around 3ish and went to see how we are which was brilliant. I usually see things like this advertised and never have time or money to visit them and this just about made up for the lack of culture I have had to endure for the past few months. The exhibition was mostly based around English identity through photography in the last 150 years. After that we went to China town and had an all you can eat! Yum!

I have also managed to put together a solo holiday to Lecce in S. Italy with a few friends I have made this year for August. I wont comment on my travel methods as this will make my last post seem ridiculous but i will say that I will be using the train quite a lot. Im looking forward to this trip because it feels like it will be the first that i have genuinely needed in a long time.

Ahh its days like this when you think to yourself ''life 'aint too bad...it 'aint too bad!''

Preach What You Practice, Or Practice What You Preach

I went a little bit mad tonight and so as a result I have come here to write what I am thinking. I am writing my dissertation at the moment and I am trying to incorporate a wider view that extends far wider than a legal context and therefore I began to read 'Environmental Sociology' by a chap called Bell, to say the least the first 20 pages blew my socks off. I cant say that it has enlightened me in any way but it has certainly confirmed everything that I have been feeling right now: we all need to change our habits. Of course theses days anyone can say this, from world leaders to Sun readers, if were all honest we are more or less extremely self centered lazy people who even though understand the consequences of our actions continue to pollute. As one Guardian columnist once put it-its not the Climate changes nay-sayers who we should fear-its those of us who are fully aware but continue to act regardless.

So today I received an email (one of those chain emails) that went something like 'Missing: big yellow thing in the sky and answers to the name sun'. I wont beat around the bush, I'm sick of doing so: the reason why we have no summer and instead flooded cities is that we all drive around in our ridiculous cars buying under(over??!!) priced food that is shipped from across the globe whilst we dream of cheap holidays. Once again anyone can spew out this ready made rhetoric but obviously the message isn't getting through.

I will confess that for the last month or so I have been making lots of car trips, what with moving here there and everywhere and the Canterbury trip but this is the only time since last time I have actually needed to use a car. Im not trying to be a martyr or holier than thou but I think that tonight I really am going to change my ways completely. For the past 2 years or so I have huffed and puffed about sustainability this and dont do that and now I feel the time has come for me to go all out. I wholeheartedly admit that this has come at a time when I have been reading far to much about the environment and sustainability but nonetheless it wont be a flash in the pan. Tonight I have realised that even my job will have to go-I cannot work for a company that promotes the very vehicle that has influenced 'sun' to go missing.

Dont look a gift horse in the mouth...and all that.

I really am in a bit of a pickle. As Canterbury went so bad I went to see a few of my tutors who have collectively convinced me that staying at Essex isn't such a bad idea. Im now at the stage where I'm convincing myself that staying here isn't too bad either. I really don't know what to think anymore. To top it all off, I managed to submit an extremely late application for funding that will be considered shortly. I can only say one thing-that Essex have always stayed loyal to me but is that a good enough reason to stay here?

Immediately after shutting the professors door at Kent I thought to myself, at least i still have Essex, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE ESSEX! Thank God. And that's what it is-a safety net, I'm going to do my PhD in a big fluffy safety net where everyone is maybe too nice to say a bad thing about me. I'll be like the cleaner or postman that everyone likes 'oh hi Dave...see the game last night...brilliant...yeah see you later' rather than being taken seriously.

Fuck This Shit

Not my words of course, but the words of a graffiti artist on the laundrette walls at Essex. Nonetheless this is how I'm feeling. Yesterday I went to see a professor at Canterbury, who I hoped would put me in touch with someone within the department. The meeting didn't go very well to say the least and the whole day left me feeling a little reeling. The main thing was that he did not understand my idea at all and could not relate it to a legal context, to which there is no recovery or comeback. After this he pretty much said that I should reconsider it all and maybe my thinking over the next year will 'mature'. Thankfully Matt and Vuokko came to Canterbury and we had a good chat about it all. I know that this professor misunderstood me and that I should take confidence from the good words that I have received from various tutors at Essex but I cant help but feel that all my thoughts over the Masters programme have been crushed. I will just have to plough on with this week and dissertation and hopefully I will be laughing about this in the future but for now I feel quite drained.