Today was my last tutorial of the autumn term and generally I'm happy its over. This term has been really good and I have enjoyed the teaching so much but I really hate the commute. Next year will be even better as the course looks at what I find interesting in EU law and so I guess I will be more eager to go to teach and possibly not mind the commute as much.
I also received my dissertation grade and final mark for the masters. I got an overall 2.1 for the masters but a 1st in the dissertation which I'm so happy about. I really didn't think that the masters would ever end but I think with the grade I received I can finally close the page on that era of my life. So whats next? I don't know. And this subject has been bugging me like hell. I can now officially apply to Helsinki which is good but the waiting will probably do my head in. Maybe I'll just have to try not to think about it.


I have also been reading a manuscript for someone at Helsinki which has been quite good (despite the moaning). It feels good that finally I am being rewarded for the work I have put into law and the masters. I am roughly half way through the work and I really have to get it done before next week.

Back to the teaching, its been such a learning curve... I have to know the subject so well and Its weird to go back and learn a subject so well. I have had to 'crack' certain cases and areas that I have always ignored or avoided so its refreshing to not be afraid and confident about the subject as a whole.

So much for being liberal....

I had a pretty good weekend, in fact probably one of the best since I’ve been in London. Friday I went to the last Sibelius and Beyond concerts organised by Vuokko's work place which was really good. I have been going to a few of these and although they are something that I wouldn’t go to on my own accord they are nice to see. After this we went to the pub and then an after party at one of Vuokko's friends near London Bridge. I think the best part of this was taking the taxi across London bridge which was amazing. The view across the river is something else and is something that I have never done before. I've got to know Vuokko's friends and it is sad that they will be leaving soon. But overall the night went really well and I haven’t enjoyed myself so much in a long time.

Saturday my friend Ian came to visit, which was miserable to start of with as, I had a semi hangover and was generally tired. But the evening picked up as we went to a few pubs and then Angel's Kings Head Pub which we have wanted to visit for a long time. There we saw a blues band which on closer inspection turned out to be transvestites. I got a bit obsessed with this idea and although the idea of a transvestite band is not unimaginable, actually witnessing one shocked and inspired me no end. Anyway I don’t want to turn it into a big deal so I'll say no more than maybe I am a David Cameron at heart.

I’ve pretty much hit bottom today at work. In fact i think I've realised the major criticism of working in a 9-5 job: there’s no point in me being here. I should be at home, I’m wasting time and energy sitting in an office doing nothing all day. Of course this I cant go home-I wont get paid, so I’m left to sit here to do some 'work' (ie copy and pasting my update from word).

I want to be honest with the employers (HM Government) and say something. I want to jump on my desk and tell them. 'look im not doing anything, and nor is anyone else! Were all sitting here writing emails to our partners and friends. Were all in meetings summoning up vacuous guff about nothing! Were all drinking tea because there’s nothing to do! But I wont, I'll just fill my time-sheet in and wait for the ship to sink.

Apart from the fact that no one really does anything here, there’s also the overwhelming physical presence of men-fat men to precise - who sit around and talk absolute twaddle. The whole building is swarming with them. They’re in the canteen, the hallways, the meeting rooms, in the toilets, they’re even in front of me now waffling about...well nothing really. I'd say 80% of the high-paid jobs are held by men in their 40/50 who's jobs include saying 'yah yah yah' very loudly. They obviously deserve to be there by default but some of the questions and comments they ask others or I am asked sum up their level of intelligence. Heres a few of my favourites...

-Where’s the out-post tray?
-Can I minimise this internet explorer thing?
-Can you change my ring tone for me? ('no not that one that sounds too gay').
-I’m not giving to children in need, I’d rather give to the soldiers in Iraq.

An update....

A fair bit of water has passed under the bridge since my last update which seems a lifetime ago and I can literally feel Christmas’ sharp consumer obsessed teeth biting my arse. Therefore I feel that I little update is required. I have a lot to do before the Christmas break and strangely it is all academic based. Since I submitted the dissertation in September I have become more involved in the academic world than I ever was when I was studying. The GTA position is brilliant and I am really enjoying it. It’s a real pleasure to teach something that I not only enjoy but also want to learn more about. I have literally gone back to the beginning with EU law. I am reading the new edition of the undergraduate textbook and learning it all again through the eyes of a student and a GTA. Although I am in the class for 50 minutes the classes fly by in what feels like 5 minutes. Apart from the teaching I am somewhat treated as an equal in the only University that I have ever known. Its an odd feeling but a good one. The only downside is that every week that passes is an extra week when I could be doing a PhD. My would be supervisor has given me access to a Legal Library in Russell Square, but that’s as close as the PhD as I get. I have had far too many talks with other tutors and would be supervisors that I am somehow sick of talking about starting the PhD and desperate to actually start it. I have applied to other universities but there is nothing just yet to get excited about, although I may here something by the beginning of next year.

Work is pretty much benchmark office/governmental work which bores me to tears on a daily basis but pays the rent and what not. This is obviously compensated by my weekly stint back at University and overall I guess its not going too bad. I think me and Vuokko did go through an anti-London episode but it hasn’t turned out too bad. Its expensive as Tokyo jewellers and there is the robotic feeling of getting-on-the-tube-going-to-work but I’ve started to ‘live for the weekend’ which is awful but an honest summary.

Now that I finally have internet at work, im going to be doing a lot of updating and what not to pass the time away.

Read on if you like cheese....

Since I started Uni I began to think that everyone I met had an impact on my life. This is true and can be proven through the people I have met. Most people don’t stay very long, in fact I may have only known someone for a couple of months before they went back to their own country. Some people come and go and some stay for a long time. Anyway, my point is that everyone has their little part or role in shaping me or making me think differently. I haven’t really met anyone new in a while but now I am at work I have met people who I would never have met before. People from different class and creed, from different backgrounds etc.. One of them I sit next to everyday at work. If it wasn’t for him I think my job would be completely boring and I would lose the will to live by 10. The chap I sit next to is cool and although he comically looks 37, he is my age so we get on ok. We probably wouldn’t have crossed paths outside of work as he is an artistic actor type person and I am a boring law person. My point is that this one guy has kept me a sane in a dull job and I have learnt a lot about stuff I would never have known (like the ins and outs of being a struggling actor and what its like to be ginger), and hopefully he has in some way learnt something from me. Eventually we will go our own ways and maybe never see each other again, which is sad, but at the same time how life goes. Just like others who have been and gone, I think of them and smile, or pull a funny face, or sigh and think ‘what the hell was he/she about?’ And so the circle goes…people come and go and, some with impact, others without (going to the extreme of corniness!!) we live and learn etc etc the end.

So that’s what I was thinking about today.

Even good news is bad news.

London, I guess, is a bit like one of those slot machines in amusement parks-the ones where the shelves slide on top of each other and when you put money in you have a chance of getting some out. Ha! The trick is though that if you dont know where to put the money (or if you run out o money) you probably wont win much. In fact you will probably lose all your money and think 'what was the point in that?' Right now that's almost how I feel, but not quite. Im willing to give this adventure a run for its money (no pun intended).

The title of this update refers to the news I got today. My tutor emailed me to say that I had got the GTA teaching post at uni for one hour a week. At first I was thrilled, but then I started to realise that it wasn't really worth doing-the money I would get would barely pay for the train and my lunch. It would of course be a great experience and it would look great on the CV. But I really have to think things through.

This then got me thinking on the bus home. My problems are ridiculously trivial compared to others-but- other peoples woes are ridiculous in comparison to mine. I cant start my Phd for financial reasons, in fact I still havent paid for my masters yet. You could say that im living well beyond my means. In all honesty I dont mind, im doing something I want to do. Im living in London, im experiencing it all and Im going to give it a try. I will pay my debts and go on living. Of course there are many people out there who dont have a degree let alone any education, or a roof over their heads, so therefore my woes are trivial to the extreme. However there are people out there who dont know how lucky they are and have what they desire but still complain. I brush pass them everyday to work, I even know a few. Nonetheless I will continue in this London experience (thats what it has become in conversations and in my mind) and I will try my best to start the Phd whether its at in the UK or elsewhere.

Right then.. a quick round up of the last month or so..

I cant sum up has happened as not much has really happened but at the same time a huge part of my life ended (leaving colchester) and a new chapter begun (moving to London). I, at least, left Finland feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing but now I feel at least partially integrated into a London life. We have a bedsit in North London and ive even managed to get a temp job in the civil service working for the VOA (council tax to me and you..) which overall is much more than I ever anticipated. Two Mondays ago Vuokko had a rash and headache so therefore went into hospital with suspected meningitis which threw us both off balance. The rash/headache didnt turn out to be meningitis but she has been feeling terrible since. I have seen her go through quite a lot of physical pain over they ears and she usually handles everything thrown at her but this was something else. The pain climaxed a few days after her being discharged from hospital and ultimately she broke down in pain and frustration.

The hospital couldnt work any of it out and by the end of the week the best analysis was exhaustion. So now we are here in Islington finally back to normal, however it would be an understatment to say that the last few weeks were hard and that actually 'living' here hasnt started yet. Im still physically and mentally tired from it all and hopefully this next week will be a return to normality.

My job is quite dull but the civil service was something I couldn't turn down and is something that i could hopefully progress in but we'll see. I will be there until at least the end of december so if anything it will be a good bit of experience. Apart from that theres not much to report. Tomorrow we're going to see a dutch (danish?!) band called 'Oh No Ono'.

This wasnt the best update but its the best i could muster up right now!

Blimey, I havent updated in a while. This is mainly because I dont have internet at home and the swines at work have blocked my net usage. I will hopefully fill in the gaps in the next few days.

Night Of Arts

During the last few weeks here there has been the Helsinki Festival which hosts an array of events from opera to capoeira. Due to the dissertation nonsense and lack of money we havent been able to see as much as we would like but still we have managed to see quite a bit. One of the grandest annual nights of all is the Night of Arts which was last Friday. Everything on this night is free so we found ourselves in the centre of a busy Helsinki. As I said on an earlier post I think this is my 5th or 6th visit and although I have seen quite a lot of Helsinki I feel that this trip has been the best. I don't quite know why this outing has been so good but I think that one of the main reasons is that over the previous visits I have merely been learning and understanding the Finnish culture whereas this time I have gone beyond learning and actually started to enjoy it and take it all in. Anyway d'yer 'wanna to see me holiday snaps?? Heres some pictures from the Night of Arts:

Some people on poles outside the Finnish Parliament

Some 'canoe dancing'.

A sauna that is made out of mud bricks.

The view across to Helsinki Opera House

And finally me and my old mate Jone Nikula- pop idol judge/musician/novelist/Rock manager/DJ and Cyclist who makes Simon Cowell look like a poof.

Good Old England Im Proud To Say That Name

I have one friend which I am somehow glad to know. The ongoing 'joke' between us is that we 'pretend' to be racist, moany Little Englanders. For me the joke is simple:we pretend to be like a lot of people we know or have known in the past. We exchange pleasantries such as 'bloody foreigners coming over here..stealing our jobs, spending the taxpayers money..'. I cant explain the tone of the conversation (or joke) but its somewhere between earnest and jest. When we are not together our msn conversations are based on links we send each other from the from the daily mail, the Sun and BBC websites. When we go out together and start to drink we talk about this 'joke' but still the joke remains a pseudo reality in which we systematically half play out and half witness in our everyday lives. It can go on for sometime, and usually ends up with one of us just laughing. Today i went to meet Vuokko at the Train Station in the centre of Helsinki and managed to quickly look over the British press with the Daily Mail headline looking like this (although the mail spread was much better-it had pictures of scummy foreigners with dirty fingernails wearing crap sports clothes and smoking roll ups). When we got back home I started to talk to my friend about this and the joke pursued. ('Yeah The Sun reckons the Portuguese police have eaten Madeleine, cos thats what those bloody foreigners do..eat children...ha ha ha...').

Anyway the point of this insight is that I have known for a long time that I want to leave the UK. Im not sure if my friend feels the same but im certain that on some level the UK gets him down. The truth is that neither of us are racists or little Englanders who want to move to Spain because theres 'no pakis there' and 'you can leave your door open like in the good old days'. It sounds like a Gervais one liner, but we like foreigners so much we both go out with a couple of 'em, and most of our friends are Foreign too. In fact i think we are the only English people we know. So the point is (I will get there in the end) that this wanting to leave the UK scares me. Am I just running away from it all? Surely im technically equal to Don and Maureen who live in Spain because England 'aint what it used to be'? I have had quite a few problems coming to terms with this but the reason why I do want to leave is not because of foreigners stealing my passport or eating my children, its not because the health service is bad, its not even because Tony Blair was/is a cock-nob, no, its because I cant handle that 'joke' any longer. Im not so naive to think that other countries dont have this problem, but today i realised that its so aggressive in the UK. Right now going back to 'good old England' makes me feel a bit sick.

Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress.....

I have been walking around the flat for the last two minutes or so mumbling 'stress stress stress stress...' There's too many reasons why I have been doing this but the main one is that we have 15 days until we fly back to London, within those 15 days we have to find somewhere to live and finish the dissertations. Yes, we will pack all our belongings into two backpacks and seek our fortune in London. Vuokko has a job, but me I am panicking, I have the dissertation and job seeking to do at the same time.

Well heres some nice pictures of Finland, maybe I should have been doing what Im stressing about now when I was taking them. Oh well.

Summer in the City

I have now been in Finland for nearly two weeks and everything is going ok. It has been good to get away from England and immerse myself into the culture and sophistication that is Helsinki. Lots of things have happened at the same time over the last few weeks and there seems to be no simple pathway to the next part of my life. I am almost coming to the end of my dissertation (which I am enjoying)and im looking forward to handing it in. I didn't get the funding for the PhD which means that I am somewhat in limbo as to whether to continue with the studying, at the very least I suppose I will start it part time. At first I was a little annoyed with the department, seeing that I have been at the university for a few years and I have paid god knows how much money in there tight little pockets. Now i just feel that theres not much you can do in these situations, its a dog eat dog world blah blah blah. I could equally be quite annoyed with the English education system as a whole but that would conclude nothing, thousands of poor students are in the same boat. So I will try to do something but I have no concrete plan yet.

On one of the first days in Finland I nearly drowned. Im not one for melodramatic updates but this event has made me rethink quite a lot. My initial response to it all was that lifes to short, all this worrying..I shouldnt bother..blah blah blah. But now I have had time to really think I dont want to stop this PhD dream. Life really is too short and if I give in I'll end up making a rash decision and ultimately find myself in a boring dead end job. Sod that.

The last two weeks have also given me the chance to see Helsinki in Summer which in a word is beautiful. Even though this is my 5th or 6th visit i have learnt more in this one visit. I have usually visited during winter but now in summer the whole city is transformed which I think has led me to see more of it and understand how big the place actually is. I dont know if its because I have no real life plan or if Helsinki is just wonderful but I dont want to leave. If I would be guaranteed a job or a PhD place then I would stay. The more I visit this place the more layers are peeled off , I understand more, see more, want more. Today i will go to one 'museum' to see The Real Citizen exhibition in Helsinki which will hopefully inspire me with my dissertation.

I will put some nice pictures on the next post!

For various reasons the last week or so has been a hectic one. So last week went a little something like this....

Vuokkos brother visited us from Eindhoven. He cycled from Eindhoven to Harwich and then to Wivenhoe where he picked up a puncture and walked the last mile or so. Some would call that sods law. Most of the weekend we cycled around Colchester, Wivenhoe, Clacton and Walton. For me this was brilliant: an active cycling weekend! I was cycling around with Vuokkos brothers bike which was a 'tour-de-france-racer-type-bike. I have never really liked or understood these bikes but I must admit that it won me over and I would not say that I may never buy one in the future. Surprisingly there was quite a lot going on in Colchester and so we had quite an eventful few days. I just wish I had the pictures which of course would speak louder than words.


On Tuesday I visited my old town Basildon. Mostly because I have ranted on about Basildon ever since I met Vuokko and it has to a certain degree become a phenomenon. Our friend Matt (also a former Basildonian) drove us there and the town didnt let us down. We had a little walk through the Eastgate and town (which seems to have been in constant refurbishment since 1957) and then drove to my parents old house where I spent most of my childhood. Id really like to say that the trip moved me in some profound way which is what I thought it would but the truth is that I became completely dejected and annoyed. I wont say that wasted my youth in Basildon but I will say that I have no feelings for the place. In some weird way the trip to my old house made me feel that my teenage years never existed, that i am so different now as to what I was then that I can no longer relate to the past. I have always had mixed feelings about Basildon, 'do i/dont i like it'...'was it that bad?' But the brutal truth is that it was. The town is lifeless and empty, lacking any form of culture, spirit or artistic influence in any way. These thoughts were finalised when I visited my Nans old house that seems to enter almost all of my dreams lately. Nan lived on the edge of a large housing estate in Pitsea and I more or less spent my childhood there playing with my sister until she died. Again Id like to say that this was a good experience, that I can finally lay the past to rest and maybe stop dreaming about that house but the truth is that I felt nothing. Of course I could see myself as a little boy running around the green, playing football, climbing over the gate. I could see my sister there, even my parents and uncle. I could even still see my nan at the gate telling kids off for kicking the ball at her wall. But still I felt nothing. Not a thing. The only feeling I could manage to bring up was a mild mixture of annoyance and slight happiness. Almost the same feeling you have when you hand in an essay. Or when something is so annoying you begin to laugh.


Again im not going to say that my childhood was terrible, it was probably quite standard. I just wish that my trip would have ended something. I wanted it to end with a 'oh well...I can move on now'. It just left me feeling detached from it all. It felt like those years never existed, of course they did exist and i know they exist when Im writing this now, but when I was there at my nans house or at my parents I felt the opposite to what i wanted to feel. I felt emotionless.




My Parents House

'Going down Bas....'

Nans Old House


Ive been thinking about the trip since then and I still feel the same. Maybe I feel a lot happier, and Im glad I went but still Im not feeling as much as what I imagined I would. I guess im happy where I am now and that who I am now I am more comfortable with.



On wednesday we went to visit my nan and grandad in Haverhill. It was nice as usual, and they took a few of our boxes off of us which was a relief. We then went to Cambridge which made a striking contrast to Basildon.

Today was only good news. This morning I went to the squares on campus to watch the graduation action which I have to look forward to next year. The sun was shining and everyone looked happy as they graduated. There is a fair few international students at Essex which meant that there were all kinds of native dress from African to Chinese. The campus (for a change) looked beautiful and felt warm. After this I went to see the admin people in the Law department who told me that they had finally gained contact with my elusive supervisor to be who said he would supervise me for the PhD. This now means I have a good chance to obtain some funding for the 3 years. At around two I set off for my last day at work. It sounds silly but I never really like to leave a work place, of course not because of the nature of the work but because of the people. Some of the people there i trained with for weeks and has resulted in good friendships. I also received some wonderful Chinese 'poetry' from one of my friends who said that for her coming to work would be like eating an iced doughnut without the icing.

I have now just got back from work and read an email from my supervisor who has confirmed his supervision. I did a little robotic victory dance in my pants and now i cant concentrate on anything.

Its 5am and I havent had much sleep. Most of the night I have been dreaming, most of which have been quite surreal. I usually have no problem at all sleeping but i know its the amount of pressure i have been under. The first dream is a reoccurring one: Im at my nans old house in Pitsea where I spent quite a lot of my childhood. I know this house very well, but its quite dark and I become lost. I start to panic but then realise where I am, as I reach out for the light switch Its not where I expect it should be. I fumble around trying to trace the switch up and down the wall but I just cant find it. Then I woke up. Usually In this dream I am lost or just walking around my nans house, sometimes its how it used to be when I was a little boy, all the furniture, pictures on the wall, and other times its empty, bare, which is how i last remember this house when she died. But what always happens in the dream is that I meet my nan on the stairs and shes smiling. Whereas in this one I dont recover, nor see my nan and i just wake up.

The second dream I had was one ive never had before. Im in the middle of Helsinki with my dad and its snowing. He starts to say things like 'oh its like Russia' and 'those Russians ruin everything'. I try to explain to my dad that you cant say this, its like saying Scotland is like England or England is just like America. Finnish people would find this really insultive, they have had many wars with the Russians, and yes at times they have been under occupation but for nearly 100 years they have had Independence and are proud of it. etc. He doesnt understand this, so we go to a pub and have a drink. I go to order two drinks, knowing what to say in Finnish but the words dont come out and so I panic and leave.

Last night I had the classic zombie dream, but it was one of those dreams that continue throughout the night. I dont know what these dreams mean as im no Freud expert. I dont think I want to really know what they mean as either as I think they are too obvious to me.

The good news is that Im awake for the day and maybe I'll get some of this bloody dissertation done.

Mustn't Grumble

Today I have been struggling with my dissertation which I had more or less abandoned last week. I can only go so far when trying to concentrate on one idea or theory so I tend to go off the rails - like tonight I have ended up listening to Jarvis Cocker and drawing pictures. I know that the only way forward is to just keep reading and writing but I feel at the moment all the reading I have done is like a big vegetable soup in my head with bits and pieces potato and carrot floating about all over the place. Its really difficult to try to concentrate on one idea and I know from past experience with law essays that its best to nail one idea and then move on but with this dissertation its completely different-it just seems that its all a big mess.

Apart from that I havent been able to think about much else. I am still waiting for a reply from Kent and Essex but I should hear by the end of this week. Today was a new record in which i received not one email all day, although I have an hour left until midnight I am pretty certain that no one will email me back. This sounds pathetic that I worry about such small things but not receiving emails has really started to affect me. I think I have sent out about 15-20 important emails out in the last week and I have received maybe 2 back.

This isn't the most entertaining blog update but I think it somewhat reflects my worries and problems in life right now.

My birthday surprise was a surprise. Yesterday I had my first ever full body massage! I did not know what my gift was until we walked into the sports centre. At first I didn't want to go and walked off which was obviously a selfish thing to do but I guess it was a mixture of shock and surprise. After 5 minutes or so I pulled myself together and went in, filled a health and safety sheet in and had my massage. It was brilliant! I have always suffered from a bad neck and the person carrying out the massage pushed and pulled all my muscles into place. One of the reasons why I hesitated to go in was that having a massage is both 'gay' and 'erotic' but I can definitely say that it is neither of the above. I can only liken it to a trip to the hairdressers where both parties make brief conversation and a service is given to the customer. I guess that my initial hesitation was due to my working class background ethos that being pampered is for poofter woofters. But balls to that. If I had the money I would go every week.

The gift was not just a pampering experience but also a realisation that the body is a finely tuned instrument that requires attention and maintenance. As I lay on the massage table I began to think about how little exercise or stretching i do and Its little wonder how my back gets so stressed. The room was also littered with health posters and body maps explaining why certain parts of the body react in certain ways. Bright red ears-too much red meat/smoking, stomach cramps-poor diet, bad back and joints-lack of vitamins etc. These are all of course familiar problems and there is an epidemic in this country due to a cocktail of poor diet and no exercise but what struck me as i lay there was that I do bugger all. Even though (purely due to my genes) I am slim and relatively healthy looking (the masseuse probably had the same trouble that a hairdresser has when cutting the hair of a practically bald person), my insides are a mess. So the long and short of it all is that I should learn to take care.


After my massage we went to town which was per usual full of chavs whos only aim in life is to shout out 'C***' as they drive past in their Renault Clios. We went to the What? bar in town. Which was nice.





'Fe' Guevara..ooh tough guy!

I dont usually do much on birthdays so I was chuffed to have a 'mystery ride' to Harwich town. Vuokko and Felix arranged a little breakfast and so we had Croissants and orange juice as we watched boats go in and out of the harbour. After that we threw stones in the sea, and drove to Clacton to have saveloy and chips! Classy! No, the truth is that this was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long while, usually I am working or skint. It was nice to spend time with good people and for the first time in a long time the sun was shining.

Now we are about to go to the pub and probably eat something. Tomorrow i have yet another surprise which I am really looking forward to.

Yep! Here we go again, im going to write an update on the injustices of being a student, sorry postgraduate student (yes im a snob) in the UK. Today i have been looking at funding for my PhD and theres is absolutely nothing available for the average PG Student. One of my friends who recently applied for a hardship grant was told that the only way he would be able to obtain one was if he was earning over £12,000. I dont even want to go into why that annoys me. During my undergraduate years money was thrown at me left right and centre, with the student loans, hardship funds and overdrafts. So im now shocked to find that there is nothing, absolutely nothing out there for postgraduates.

I remember reading the headlines of a local newspaper last year that compared the 'luxurious' campus accommodation at Essex with the terrible army barracks that exist a few miles down the road (insert two pictures: one of the newly built quays with a stylish Italian student drinking a latte-mocha-choca-chino-winno, smiling into the camera and a squaddies shared accommodation with a turd on the floor...oh and the headline 'Students Luxurious Accommodation Whilst Our Boys Live In Shite'). What struck me the most was that this is just not true, you can come marvel at the 14 room flats in the towers here at Essex any time you like but more ironically, surely with well educated people there is no need for an army let alone shit accommodation to house them in. Im not going to say im a neo hippie pacifist but a diplomatic response to war is far better than sending the boys in who will eventually kill thousands and cause more pollution than 10,000 live earth gigs. But the main point here is that millions are pumped into defence when the truth is it should be put elsewhere: education.

Yesterday me and Vuokko took a trip to London as she was due to meet her future boss which was an all round success. I had time to myself to walk around St Pauls, cross the Thames and visit the embankment whilst Vuokko had a nice lunch with her future boss. It wasn't the best day weather-wise but we met around 3ish and went to see how we are which was brilliant. I usually see things like this advertised and never have time or money to visit them and this just about made up for the lack of culture I have had to endure for the past few months. The exhibition was mostly based around English identity through photography in the last 150 years. After that we went to China town and had an all you can eat! Yum!

I have also managed to put together a solo holiday to Lecce in S. Italy with a few friends I have made this year for August. I wont comment on my travel methods as this will make my last post seem ridiculous but i will say that I will be using the train quite a lot. Im looking forward to this trip because it feels like it will be the first that i have genuinely needed in a long time.

Ahh its days like this when you think to yourself ''life 'aint too bad...it 'aint too bad!''

Preach What You Practice, Or Practice What You Preach

I went a little bit mad tonight and so as a result I have come here to write what I am thinking. I am writing my dissertation at the moment and I am trying to incorporate a wider view that extends far wider than a legal context and therefore I began to read 'Environmental Sociology' by a chap called Bell, to say the least the first 20 pages blew my socks off. I cant say that it has enlightened me in any way but it has certainly confirmed everything that I have been feeling right now: we all need to change our habits. Of course theses days anyone can say this, from world leaders to Sun readers, if were all honest we are more or less extremely self centered lazy people who even though understand the consequences of our actions continue to pollute. As one Guardian columnist once put it-its not the Climate changes nay-sayers who we should fear-its those of us who are fully aware but continue to act regardless.

So today I received an email (one of those chain emails) that went something like 'Missing: big yellow thing in the sky and answers to the name sun'. I wont beat around the bush, I'm sick of doing so: the reason why we have no summer and instead flooded cities is that we all drive around in our ridiculous cars buying under(over??!!) priced food that is shipped from across the globe whilst we dream of cheap holidays. Once again anyone can spew out this ready made rhetoric but obviously the message isn't getting through.

I will confess that for the last month or so I have been making lots of car trips, what with moving here there and everywhere and the Canterbury trip but this is the only time since last time I have actually needed to use a car. Im not trying to be a martyr or holier than thou but I think that tonight I really am going to change my ways completely. For the past 2 years or so I have huffed and puffed about sustainability this and dont do that and now I feel the time has come for me to go all out. I wholeheartedly admit that this has come at a time when I have been reading far to much about the environment and sustainability but nonetheless it wont be a flash in the pan. Tonight I have realised that even my job will have to go-I cannot work for a company that promotes the very vehicle that has influenced 'sun' to go missing.

Dont look a gift horse in the mouth...and all that.

I really am in a bit of a pickle. As Canterbury went so bad I went to see a few of my tutors who have collectively convinced me that staying at Essex isn't such a bad idea. Im now at the stage where I'm convincing myself that staying here isn't too bad either. I really don't know what to think anymore. To top it all off, I managed to submit an extremely late application for funding that will be considered shortly. I can only say one thing-that Essex have always stayed loyal to me but is that a good enough reason to stay here?

Immediately after shutting the professors door at Kent I thought to myself, at least i still have Essex, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE ESSEX! Thank God. And that's what it is-a safety net, I'm going to do my PhD in a big fluffy safety net where everyone is maybe too nice to say a bad thing about me. I'll be like the cleaner or postman that everyone likes 'oh hi Dave...see the game last night...brilliant...yeah see you later' rather than being taken seriously.

Fuck This Shit

Not my words of course, but the words of a graffiti artist on the laundrette walls at Essex. Nonetheless this is how I'm feeling. Yesterday I went to see a professor at Canterbury, who I hoped would put me in touch with someone within the department. The meeting didn't go very well to say the least and the whole day left me feeling a little reeling. The main thing was that he did not understand my idea at all and could not relate it to a legal context, to which there is no recovery or comeback. After this he pretty much said that I should reconsider it all and maybe my thinking over the next year will 'mature'. Thankfully Matt and Vuokko came to Canterbury and we had a good chat about it all. I know that this professor misunderstood me and that I should take confidence from the good words that I have received from various tutors at Essex but I cant help but feel that all my thoughts over the Masters programme have been crushed. I will just have to plough on with this week and dissertation and hopefully I will be laughing about this in the future but for now I feel quite drained.

All's Well That Ends Well.

Tonight I had to say a few goodbyes to a few people. Over the last five or so years I have toughened up to making parting gestures however it still hits me to say goodbye. I have met so many people over the last few years and as my time here at Essex is almost reaching the 'end of an era' period I have to go through this process once more. I have of course been thinking about the last five years at Colchester and there is so much to comment on i just wouldnt know where to begin.I discussed this with one of my friends, Remy, who leaves tomorrow. I have no conclusion for any of my time here at Colchester and i think that I can only look forward to the future as that is the only one thing I can control. I usually desperately try to evade corny cliches or over used sayings but the truth is what is done is done and what is about to happen can be shaped by me and only me.

Im sure over the coming weeks I will probably have a few mini 'come downs' that enter this blog and will mention my time here. But I think that I am more than ready to leave Colchester and the time is long due to make a new start.

I could now try to make a cheesy connection between Blairs departure and my closure here but I wont. That's just too much.

Today has been pretty good so far. I have managed to finally apply to Kent for the PhD which was slightly scary and exciting at the same time. The application is online which was good as I hate my handwriting (erhh! we're not letting 'im in, look at his handwriting, and he cant even spell assisstant!hahahaha... etc). I also bumped into one of my old lecturers who put the final nail in the coffin with regards to going to Kent. He told me basically it will look much better on my C.V and the EU ties that Kent hold are opportunities that very few universities have. He also gave me a few contact details of colleagues he knows in Dutch and Belgian universities.

Vuokko also came out with a blinder that will always stay in my head. Whilst rushing off to work and listening to the daily politics show, she quickly spurted another of her witty one-liners. Something along the lines of 'it must be really embarrassing to be a far right conservative'.

Today I had a really odd moment in town. I went to claim our deposit back form the letting agent (which has been reduced from £500 to £480 due to a non existent door bell that we stole) and was stopped by a SGR Colchester radio reporter asking what I thought about Tony Blairs departure and Gordon Browns entrance. Although I have a hell of a lot to say about this, i just couldn't sum it up in two sentences, which is what the reporter wanted. Like most of these moments in life it was only after the action has taken place you realise what you should have said. The thing that struck me the most though was that the reporter worded the questions in such a way that it was almost impossible to make a positive comment. 'So would you like to say good ridence to Tony Blair?'...'What do you think about the uncomfortable Gordon Brown?' What could I answer to these? I knew that the majority of people before me have probably answered something negative like ' yeah hes a nob and I pray he dies of cancer and I hope Brown sorts out all these migrants..i mean my 16 year old son cant find any work'. So I wanted to say something good, something witty, something intelligent, something that makes the reporter go 'hmm good point'. At first I tried to decline the invitation to talk but in the end I furrowed my brow and said 'yeah I hope Gordon doesn't forget the students'

What a plonker.

I dont like moaning..but....

Every time I go to work a small piece of me dies.. forever. For those who are unaware of the joys of my job-I (try) to sell insurance to middle aged people who live in Surrey and drive Ford Mondeos. The workplace is made made up of managers, (all of whom are roughly my age) and college/school leavers, all of which are extremely arrogant. At first the idea of working in a car-orientated place would be good as it would convince me just how pathetic the car is and all the nonsense that surrounds it, but after a full month I leave the office feeling depressed and dirty.

Around 80% of the customers are middle class First Direct customers* who live in Surrey/Kent/Oxfordshire/
Hertfordshire/Cambridgeshire, who's main aim is to receive some cheap car insurance as well as talk to anyone and everyone like they are a piece of shit whilst pouring out in as much detail how bloody well rich they are. So what your ultimately left with is a bunch of toffs who have 3-4 cars per household (one for the gardener of course) and think that David Cameron is jolly nice chap who will save this country from the filthy dogs of Europe. Add this to the remaining 20% of customers who wish they were the other 80% and your left with a solid 100% daily barrage of snobs. Here's a list of some of the questions I have to answer on a more or less daily basis:

-I hope you don't have any of those bloody Indian call centres, i cant understand any of them.
-Will my insurance cover my golf equipment?
-Could you tell me what vehicle group a BMW Alpina Coupe is in?
-Will my son who is currently at Cambridge studying Law be covered in this policy?
-Our nanny is from Porto Rico, is it ok if she drives without a licence?

So after a while it becomes more than the average 'I dont like cars very much' stance, and more of a constant biting your lip/i want to shoot you, you stupid f***ing snob syndrome. Overall the the constant snobbery overshadows my desire to feel disgusted about cars and people who drive them.

Apart from my job i have had more time to think about my PhD future and what I will do. I know that deep down I should go to Kent as they will offer more for me, and all that is required from me is to test the water when I visit there. i think that somewhere amongst all this is last minute sentimentalism about colchester and having to leave a town that I have learned to (almost)love.


*first direct customers must have at least £1,500 in there current account at all times, which makes them not really rich but rich enough to tell everyone that they always have £1,500 in their bank account. Therefore theyre not exactly millionaires, just debenham/Marks and Spencer's shopping snobs who dream of a house in the South of France where theres no (delete as appropriate) crime/black People/Tony Blair/nanny state/hippies/speeding cameras/parking tickets/
For more info see http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6148776.stm

'A change is as good as a rest' (??)

Today I went to see my supervisor for my dissertation to discuss my PhD research proposal for Kent and I received an overwhelming response and now I dont know quite what to do. I had a really good talk and we agreed on everything that I proposed in my research, it was almost bordering creepiness on how much we agreed. The current situation is that I could easily stay in Colchester for the next 4 or so years and complete my Phd with the same supervisor with the possibility of teaching. Or I could go to Kent and start afresh with a new supervisor and a new environment.
At the beginning of May i really wanted to go to Kent due to its EU ties and because one of my tutors recommended it as the department would suit my 'appetite'. But now these comments from my current supervisor have thrown me off balance, which is ok, but at the moment im feeling a little sentimental about Colchester, so these comments have made me want to stay. Now im completely stuck.

My friend Matt has kindly suggested that we should drive to Canterbury and meet my proposed supervisor so that at least I know what is exactly on off and to see whether or not I would get on with the department there. I think this is the most pragmatic answer to my dilemma as it would probably answer a few questions I have ringing in my ears.

Cansei De Ser Sexy

Since the move the last few days have been quite good. I have managed to move forward with my dissertation and i think that I am finally confident about my PhD research (although i haven't actually got into a university). There has been a few bits of news that have backed up my idea which is always good.
Being back on campus has maybe made me feel a bit better as well-its almost like facing a jail term, knowing that I will be here for 2 or so months means that I have to serve my time and finish my dissertation. Its strange to be doing uni work over the summer as in previous years its either been working in a rubbish job or thinking about working in a rubbish job.

On a more mundane level Ive also realised that since my ipod broke i am listening to more music. Out of all of the 'new' bands ive listened to these have to be the best.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xT_C-NGB_1c

Moving, keep on moving-where I feel Im home again.

In short, the last week or so has been hell: the one long giant turd of hassle and complication that is moving. Its been difficult because we have no idea where we will be in a few months. Not only that but we have no permanent residence and so we have had to disperse our belongings to various people. Our friend Felix kindly rented a van and drove our belongings here there and everywhere (thanks Mr Behling I dont know where we would be without you or your Muller corner yogurts). Half of our stuff is at his place and the other half is at Matts (thanks to you as well!). Anyway before this turns into an acknowledgments post i'll just say that moving is painful and Im just glad that its over and now we can start to write our dissertations.

Me and Vuokko are both back on campus in a tiny room that overlooks the river colne and south courts. It is almost full circle as this is where we more or less first started. I would like to think that its nice and funny that we have gone full circle, but i cant help but want to move out of colchester and start something new. Nonetheless we are here now and its is here we will stay for the next two months.

My dissertation is still not going anywhere, although I think that now I am settled for a few months I should be able to crack on with it. For now I just feel washed out from moving. I cant begin to imagine what its like to move a whole house load of lifetime possessions. But then I don't really want that kind of boring 'real life' to begin any day soon. I know that deep deep down all this is worth all the hassle and that someday we will reap the fruits of our labour..and all that.

Dissertation Blues

Over the last couple of days I have begun some preparation for my dissertation that I will produce over the summer. The official title is 'A critical analysis of environmental citizenship within the European Union'. I am both excited and scared about this project and like most things the fear stems from the sheer size of the work. Where do i begin, what should i read, is the idea strong enough, is it too big-is it too vague??! I suppose I just have to get on with it, but I just don't know where to start. I can only really compare the feeling to when I was little and I had a wobbly tooth that was ready for pulling: I would sit there fiddling with it, like a cat clawing an almost dead bird, (mum or dad would say 'pull it out, pull it out') thinking should i just yank it out...or will it hurt too much? My brain says 'Maybe if i keep fiddling with it then it will come out in due time.' Deep down I knew that the best thing I could do is just yank it out then its all over and done with(...but will it hurt?!). Its exactly the same for this dissertation, i keep thinking if I just plod along It will all come together, but the truth is I need to give my self a good kick up the arse and get it done.

Just a few minutes ago I was flicking through the BBC website and found the most mental piece of news I have seem in a long while. I cant really comment on the news, its just too weird for words.

I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike!

I have been working at an insurance company for the last few weeks and its slowly eating away my soul. Most shifts consist of me listening to people who want car insurance (no suprise there) and taking down bits of information. In any other industry i really wouldnt mind at all, but considering that it is the car industry makes me want to gauge my eye out with a spoon. Most callers are uptight, miserable or impatient..add this to the fact that they want the cheapest deal possible and you have a bunch of toss bags.

As well as the general mood of the customers I am surrounded by 19 year olds who know all about car insurance and team leaders who talk managerspeak. For a long time ive never understood cars or the fascination surrounding them. I dont drive and I dont really want to. Working in this job has made me not want to drive even more. I would love to go into all the reasons but the principle reason is that I dont need one. A large amount of customers do about 6000 miles which is probably the same amount i could do on a bike.* I can cycle to everywhere i need to go to, and places that I cant reach can be reached by train.

Apart from this I have a bit of a toothache whuch is not suprising as i havent been to the dentist since my last year of my undergraduate. I really have to start on my dissertation which is eating away at me day and night. On that note, i will go do some reading.


* I worked out that I can roughly do about 2500-2900 miles on my bike per year which is not taking into account recreational trips or random trips.

Bottoms Up!

Last night I went to Colchesters 22nd real ale festival at the arts centre in town. Over the years Ive begun to realise that the best nights out are the ones when nothing is planned and considering that it rained for most of the day the evening turned out pretty well. I left work at 8 and by 9.30 i had tried all kinds of weird stuff, Blackadder, 1066, Sign of Spring (bright green) and Thomas Sykes (10%!). A few others came along and here's the result.

For some reason or another the world of politics likes to throw the unexpected in our faces and then were all left scratching our heads wondering how such a mad thing could have happened. A good example is the phenomenon that is Al Gore. Whenever i read about him, see him on telly or even when someone mentions his name I cant help but wonder to myself 'how' or 'why'? Non politically speaking he is the kind of neighbour that you would love to have, just look at his face! Weeding his back garden, taking his dog for a walk, what a nice chap. So then politically speaking why didnt he get in all those years ago. Its Almost 7 years ago when Gore was in the height of his presidency campaign, and now theres speculation that he will run again next year. The reason i have him in mind is that i read his article in the guardian today. It would be easy for anyone to attack the bush administration, but Gore is somewhat 'over' this sillyness and instead hopes to enlighten others with what he see as Americas last chance saloon to end its arrogant view of world power.

Its also easy to criticise Gore in that he never asserted himself as much as he could have. Nonetheless maybe it took 'that' defeat to take him where he is today. Outside of politics he has blossomed with 'Inconvenient Truth' documentary and tour, as well as the advocating the seriousness of global warming and climate change. Once again I think that its all too easy to criticize or under estimate the good that he has done for America (and the rest of the west) outside of politics. Although many see Inconvenient Truth is a too simple account of the facts, it still delivers a huge and important message to what he calls the last chance generation. We all love to be cynics but I really have faith in him, whether he runs for President or continues his quest to enlighten the world.

Where have all the good times gone?

I dropped by HMV the other day to have a look at the 45s which has become a bit of habit over the last year or so. Whilst there I started to flick through all latest singles but I managed to drift off into my own world which is what usually happens to me in a record store. I began to think about all the albums, all the singles, blank tapes, mini discs, headphones, walkmans and cd players I have bought over the years. The sad fact is that I have given so much money to music through purchasing other artists work. Sadly a lot of it has been stolen, lost or sold.

This blog update isn't going to be me waffling on about all the musical changes ive gone through or how i know this band or that solo artist or how easy it is to get free music these days. Oh no, I want to look talk about how much money I have wasted on music, how many hours Ive wasted trying to nail the new chords to the new blur or Supergrass song. I have wasted so much money on musical equipment, guitars, amplifiers, mics, mic stands, cables, P.A systems guitar stands, picks and of course hundreds of strings. I remember my teenage years consisted of me bashing out Oasis chords night after night on a tanglewood electric and an amplifier i borrowed from school. In fact I can remember my birth into the music world quite well... Ok this is turning into a hazy memory lane update. Nevermind. I remember how much i cared about looking cool. I was in my first band at the age of 15 which consisted of about 15 oasis covers and a few other indie hits. Then came the days of playing at University with a 'real' band. I was so enthralled. Playing real gigs, real songs, supporting real bands, practicing 4 times a week and generally believing i was a superstar.

Back in HMV I felt a huge rush flow over my body. I realised that music doesnt matter to me as much as it once did. I have a cheap red nylon acoustic and a 4-track that I dont even use. The rush continued to poor over me, i was in a music store and I didnt recognise half of the artists in front of me. The only band that I really listen to lately is the kinks. What has happened to me? My initial reaction was 'oh well, sod it, youve finally got old, new bands have come along and im stuck in the mud'. But this just isnt true. Im not saying that im refusing to grow up, its just that music doesnt mean as much to me as it once did. And thats ok, a lot of things dont matter to me as much as they did before.

Music is great and I will always of course listen to it. But the baggage that comes with it is nonsense.... trying to look cool, listening to the right bands, knowing the right facts, knowing the correct record labels, is it cool to listen to this band? is this band out of date? Isnt Bob Dylan fantastic? Ha! You havent heard 'Marque Moon' by television? You Loser. etc.

Theres no real conclusion to any of this, except that music is just music and going into HMV is sometimes scary.

Buffoonery: [noun]...a person who amuses others by tricks, jokes, odd gestures and postures, etc

Its become common to shun David Cameron a nob head and to be fair he is a 'nob head'. Everything that comes out of his mouth is absolute nonsense. I haven't really bothered to take the time to talk about his pathetic dribbling but today I was reading about his view on the European Union. Just like Thatcher he realistically believes he can create his own anti-EU party within the EU Parliament with allies such as Austria and er... Bulgaria to tackle 'things that really matter'. So lets take a few minutes and see what hes actually talking about.

Mr.C wants to push for 'national' targets like climate change, tackle world poverty and globalisation. Its worth noting that these three issues require supranational agreement and that no one government can combat them alone. Nonetheless lets give the plump choir boy a chance.

''Those who will succeed in the 21st century will be those who can adapt, who can respond quickly, who can innovate. The modern world places a premium on diversity over uniformity. It forces a focus on results over procedures''.


I think these two sentences sum up the exact opposite of what the conservative party represent. The UK is probably the least likeliest country in the EC who are ready for change. As for adapting, does removing your country out of the EC constitute progress? Surely it alienates the public more than what they already are?

Mr.C yet again doesn't really have a leg to stand on, its just another case of his innate buffoonery:dressing up old Thatcher twaddle hoping that a few Euro sceptics will vote for him.

Now the essays are over theres a real pressure to get the dissertation done. I havent really had time to think about the dissertation even though its been bubbling away in the back of my mind all year. I haven't really got any definite plans, however i have lots of ideas that i really should either be shot down or pursued. Im still really interested in the environmental law. I think that although there has been so many books written, so many articles, companies and speeches based on the green movement there are hardly any laws or policies to back this up. That's pretty much the long and short of it. Of course Europe or the EU can be viewed as an exceptional or special area as it can and will adopt polices based on subsidiarity. To clarify: if the EU can work together by achieving a consensus or unanimous agreement of all 27 member states then this will surely work better than countries working individually or even competing as to who can be the greenest. This is just a very very brief outline of how I think the EU or Europe should tackle global warming. Mark Leonard, a British foreign policy thinker at the Centre for European Reform goes further and claims that this approach would eventually push other countries to indeed adopt same or similar policies as failure to do so would complicate economic ties. When one of my lecturers put this idea forward I had trouble coming to grips with it as surely this constitutes bullying-one large institute bullying poorer countries or indeed continents. I look back now and I can see that Mark and my lecturers view is ringing true. For example on a micro level if a cheese maker in France produces her cheese and sells it to an American company with paper packaging rather than plastic then that American company then has to process that paper. If that American company then recycles that paper and then passes it on to another industry then the same process continues. If you then imagine all of Europe's cheese makers using paper packaging via EU law (or directive) the importers across the globe would then be forced to either understand the ethical or economical implications. This is as i always say a simplistic hypothetical scenario but it can be applied to quite a lot of the market (market being one thing that even Euro sceptics accept as a good thing).

Poland: Nil Points.

The last couple of days Ive been feeling quite shattered and generally feeling weird. After finally handing in my essays on tuesday I think my body has fallen into a lapse mode. I think ive shaken it off but its been a weird couple of almost daydream-like days.

Over the weekend I went out with a few of my friends to see a blues guitarist playing at the highly underrated arts centre in town. It was good, but the main point if this story is what happened towards the end of the night. We decided to go to an old pub called the Fox and Fiddle and all was going well until the landlords wife came over to tell us to drink up as it was last orders. Out of nowhere I asked her if she voted in the recent local elections, to which she replied in outburst of why the conservatives need to be brought back into power. I was half expecting this, hence the original question but what I didnt expect was the extent of her rant. It spanned from the 'faaking lazy polish' who come in and get drunk (yes thats right, pissed in a pub! how dare they!) to being taxed on her rubbish. To be fair, we were all gobsmacked and any retaliation was drowned by her barrage. The only thing I was interested in was the Poles. I havent seen any in Colchester. Im beginning to think that they dont exist, but apparently they do. So according to the Fox and Fiddlers land lady they come in and drink until theyre sick, live on benefits, children left right and centre and cant speak a word of English. Surely this is the average Essex muppet?

Tomorrow is the Eurovision song contest which is always good, Terry Wogan, dodgy German entrants and a string of poor ad libs from the host nation. Tomorrows is different though as it will be held in Helsinki. To commemorate this we're hosting our very own meatballs and mash party. I havent seen our entry but thats not the point as its all about cheese and strategic voting. Long live the Eurovision!

London Calling

That's a crap title but I couldn't think of any other. Yesterday I went to London yesterday for an interview. On the way up there i felt really good, in my suit, clean shaven, reading my guardian..'yeah this is the life' I thought to myself. I read a few good articles and all in all I imagined myself strolling into the big smoke on a daily basis. The weather was glorious and people were buzzing around Liverpool and Finsbury. I had an hour to kill so I looked around the Finsbury area. The best thing about London for me is that although you're right in the thick of it, theres always a little park or lane that takes you back to Victorian times. But yesterday I found a real gem. A 5 minute walk from Liverpool Street takes you to Bunhill Fields, a small graveyard where William Blake was buried. The small shed-like information desk told me that the non conformists of London were buried here in the field. The Cromwell's are there, Daniel Defoe (Robinson Crusoe) Thomas Foxwell Buxton (anti slavery protester) and various other liberals of the time. i had totally forgot about William Blake. Being there at his grave was creepy and great at the same time. Blake was a poet and illustrator who based his work on the Old testament but It was also a well known fact that he was also a rebel against the Catholic Church. I read his work at A level and although it was based on religion It was also based on the beauty of the Natural world and the innocence of children. Im not going to pretend to a fan or know all about him but I do remember thinking that his work was relatively good and strange.

I took a quick look at The Cromwells, De-Foe and John Bunyans grave before going to the interview. The interview went ok, i felt confident and said all the things that I could say. As soon as I left the interview and got the train home i had a slight feeling of disgust. I couldn't shake the feeling off for most of the day until I got home. I started to read for my essay and then it all hit me. I dont want to work for money and be rich and represent a ridiculous law companies. I dont belong to that patriarchal world where everyday is a constant competition. Ive seen a lot of that in the law department over the years. Young arrogant people who will do anything to get a training contract.

I wont say that it was a waste of time. It was a good experience. I was quite confident, and managed to make my work history look a lot better than it actually is. I learnt that I dont have to be in a job that i dont want to do. Theres millions of people out there doing jobs that they dont want to do, struggling day in day out. i dont want that, Id rather struggle a bit longer and be in something that I enjoy. Ive been told hundreds of times that I 'really should find a job' but why?
Its a highly simplistic statement but I know various people who are doing a job that they love, which was their choice and that they carry out everyday to the full.

I have just requested an extension so a little weight has bee lifted off my shoulders. My tutor was great about the whole situation, and if anything she was more than happy to grant an extension. The thing is that i still have to do the work, its not like i can fly off to Spain for week.

I feel a lot better though and hopefully I will pass this period and return to normality. Whatever that is.

So this is my final week of essay writing and I am ashamed to say that I will have to ask for an extension. I have never had to ask for one before and It is a personal regret for me to request an extension, especially as these are the last 'essays' I will ever have to produce.

I dont exactly know what to blame this extension on. As some people know I havent had a very good year so far-financially, academically and of course personally. But if im honest i can narrow it down to one thing-money and lack of support. I hate to think about money, money scares me, but money is the root of all this nonsense i have had to go through. No money means that you cant pay your rent, or bills or in general have a life. In turn this makes me depressed and worry about other things when all i should be focusing on is my work and studying. The mixture of having no money or support means that I argue with the ones dearest to me, ignore my friends and overall renders me an unsociable depressed git. Having no money or support also means that I lose faith in myself, I wonder what the hell i am doing with my life and eventually it turns me into a pessimistic miserable git.

I saw a hot air balloon today. Great!!